The Offense of Speedos and Yoga Pants

You know what? Maybe that lawmaker in Montana is actually on to something.

Because I tell you what- there’s nothing that gets my loins going faster than a man in a Speedo. Perhaps it’s the obvious sexuality of a swimsuit which just puts it all OUT there like that. So of course men have the same reaction to yoga pants.

In fact, because we shouldn’t expect men to be able to contain themselves at the sight of such pants I think there are a few more things we should ban.

Breast implants for instance. I mean, if we can’t expect men to keep it in their pants when showing off what God gave us- then we damn sure shouldn’t be adding what he didn’t grace us with. And while we’re at it- let’s ban penile implants. God didn’t give men those either! You were graced with a short stack for a reason, so make it work.

Also, Viagra. I’m sorry but not all of us were meant to procreate. Or have sex forever. CLEARLY- because otherwise God would grace men with virility no matter what.

And while we’re at it, let’s go on ahead and get rid of all vaccines and everything unnatural. Because we’re seeing right now how well that worked for Disney World.

David Moore, Republican from Missoula, has proposed banning yoga pants and Speedos. Also showing nipples- for men or women. I guess it’s a good thing Missoula is landlocked? Cause beach going might be rough on those men. And I’m not sure how breast feeding in public will work either. I surely would have thought this legislator would have banned something as unnatural as baby formula. But perhaps not?

I’m really glad this gentleman, who worked in the automotive repair industry prior to running for office, has decided to take this stand. After all, there’s nothing that affects working families and small businesses like yoga pants. (See this piece from The Missoulian in 2010.)

Note: This was a satire piece. Just in case you couldn’t tell.

Love to all y’all,

Molly